


In the middle of the night

by livinginadaydream (orphan_account)



Category: Disney RPF, Jonas Brothers
Genre: Angst, Crack, Denial, Incest, M/M, Mental Illness, Prayer, Pre-Slash, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-11
Updated: 2009-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-12 18:11:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/127645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/livinginadaydream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"River of Dreams" by Billy Joel</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the middle of the night

Nick's spirituality is all fake, contrived. A notion set in his head when he was little that twisted into a separate person as he grew up. No one can say he doesn't believe, because that person that went on a separate path at some point is still inside him, is still him in that sense, and it's for that very reason Nick is so good at keeping face. Generally speaking, his spiritual side isn't actually something he wants, it's just there, taunting him, always. It's like having someone you look up to handcuffed to you, stuck to your side.

The longer you spend with them, the worse they seem, the more twisted, more _human_ they become until finally you hate them, would do anything to get such a _liar_ off of your wrist, out of your sight. Nick keeps it. If he doesn't keep it, he'll suddenly become the 'bad son', 'the problem child'. Some day the band will break apart because Nick isn't who his family thought they were living with, they can't live with someone who's so lost, crippled, who doesn't want the Lord to touch him, heal him, because somehow, he thinks his imperfections are acceptable. They aren't acceptable though, to anyone, everyone else, so Nick keeps this other person chained to his insides, a growth from his soul that he could so easily clip off if anything in life was actually ever that simple.

He doesn't know if heaven exists. He doesn't know if angels look over him. And he definitely doesn't know if God is actually merciful, or if that's just propaganda to make things seem brighter some days. Nick doesn't know if he cares.

The only thing Nick is really worried about is Joe. Which is nice, because mostly, Joe's just worried about Nick. Of course, the way they worry over each other is so contrasting that it separates them more than they would prefer. Yet, at the same time, it's so similar they might have the same brain, might have, at one point anyway. Joe's afraid Nick's going to get himself sent to hell. Nick's worried he's going to get Joe sent to hell. Two halves of the same brain, maybe. Nick's aware of Joe's views, but Joe never quite grasps that Nick's distance, at times, is because he's afraid to get Joe in trouble.

In other words, he's afraid Joe will realize they're in love, something Nick realized some time ago. He's scared that Joe will get it all settled nice and pretty in his head, a white-picket fence surrounding them, and then when they're old, skin practically crawling away from their dry bones, God will suddenly appear, just like they warned Nick, and Joe will get sent to hell because Nick didn't stop him from finding the dangerous truth.

That's what Nick's thoughts are on when he ducks out from under Joe's familiar arm. What his thoughts are on when he ignores the look Joe shoots him. Nick is starting to wonder if this isn't the wrong way to go about it. If there isn't an answer. If taking himself away from Joe won't make Joe miss him, want him so much that finally it'll click. That the reason Joe needs his brother so much is because, in so many cliche terms, he wants to marry him, have children with him, share a life with him, forever, and ever, amen. Nick's afraid that there's no way around this, that they're doomed, just maybe (because he really doesn't know. Does hell exist?), to burn fiery, red hot, miserable for eternity in this after life that just sounds like _so much fun_ in the Bible.

In the middle of the night when Nick's lying in bed, Joe comes to him, strips Nick of his covers, ignoring the chastising look sent his way, and makes the bed dip as he crawls, hands and knees until he's perched beside Nick as though he were small as a parakeet, which he is not. Nick thinks that this is it. Maybe he should just push Joe over the edge of the bed. Joe leans over him to talk, ask a question Nick knows he can't answer either way, because he can't lie to Joe about this, and he can't tell Joe the truth, so he turns himself over, sits on his knees and places his palms together. As he closes his eyes, he looks out of the corner of his eye and sees Joe trying to put it together, his voice is so distant and drums are pounding inside Nick's head. When his eyes fall closed, Nick is in a jungle, vines and trees crowding his way and there's no real path to follow, just rocks now and again to trip over.

It hurts. He doesn't want to admit it, but he's scared. The words just start pouring from his lips, praying to a God he hopes doesn't hear him because he doesn't exist, and therefore can't condemn him and his brother for something they can't help, and don't want to in all honesty. "Please take my soul, baptize it, cleanse it. Remove my spirit of evils, forgive my transgressions, take my mind. Take my heart. Protect him. Keep him safe." It's all blocked out by the rhythmic pounding of the drums, and he's entering a small clearing where a river stands, and his heart clenches.

Then there's a hand on his shoulder, grip tightening somewhat and then lightening. Nick jerks his head back, thinks maybe Gods there to push him in that river he know he can't wade through, can't cross, the waters too rapid and heavy, ready to kick him off his feet and bury him in the mud somewhere half a mile down. No one's there and his throat clenches, he chokes, but then he continues. There's barely any moonlight, and the leaves are stretching over him. He's going to lose the river, lose the edges that tell him where he can't cross, he's going to fall in.

Nick's almost blind, the darkness filling in so much, so much that it has to fill him up from the inside out, and then his eyes don't matter, because he can't see; he's blind, and finally, finally there - there he can see, the daylight floods in. The river's just a stream, and Nick smiles for once, his hands still together, his lips still moving, uttering thanks for something he isn't aware of yet. He wades in.

Joe never knew that someone could literally make themself go insane, didn't know that God would actually take someone's mind if they asked with enough fervor, and Joe couldn't have known that Nick was sinking in so much faster that night than most would expect possible, didn't know to shake Nick out of it rather than place a simple hand on his shoulder. The doctors tell them it could be temporary, but Nick smiles a lot more now, hugs everyone and tells him he loves them, perfect strangers. He tells them to remember to say their prayers, to keep their feet on solid ground until they come to a stream. It's okay if you go blind. God will help you see again.

The growth he thought he could contain, the one that was barely attached to his soul, his true self, has taken over. He's gone. He prayed for it, asked for it, asked for Joe's protection and safety, and he'll never know if God grants that part of his request. He doesn't know Joe.


End file.
